Standing or Leaning?

The other day while I was at the hospital waiting to take a stress test to make sure baby T is doing alright, I started to have a panic attack. I haven't been in a hospital this whole pregnancy, but my last pregnancy with Kati, all of my appointments were in a hospital, and towards the end I would always end up in the labor area getting tested to make sure I wasn't leaking protein (due to high blood pressure). It was a seriously stressful process... and as I sat there waiting for my turn to be hooked up to the monitors, I started to get freaked out.

image via weheartit

Then I started to spiral down the path of, "what if?" which is never a good path to walk down, let alone spiral down. I started thinking about how I could end up having another cesarean section, how the spinal anesthetic would make me sick, how I would have to recover from yet another surgery... I was going to the bad place. Then God brought this song into my head:

Standing, standing,

Standing on the promises of God my Savior;

Standing, standing,

I'm standing on the promises of God.

God was reminding me that about a month ago, He made me a promise. I'm not a "name it and claim it" kind of Christian (meaning I don't believe saying something will make it happen if God never said it was going to happen), but I do believe that if God tells us something, we should believe Him. During my devotional times, the day after the doctor talked to us about breaking my water at 38 weeks... I was praying about this whole situation... and these two verses really stuck out to me:

"Is My hand shortened at all that it cannot redeem? Or have I no power to deliver?"

Isaiah 50:2

and

"Let him trust in the name of the Lord and rely upon his God."

Isaiah 50:10

Then yesterday morning before my test I was reading in Jeremiah...

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is the Lord."

Jeremiah 17:7

I feel like God has told me that He is the one who is going to do this, and that it isn't going to be a forced medical decision. But it's been hard... with both of my other pregnancies I was overdue and had to fight to go into labor naturally (even though Ksena ended up being a medically necessary emergency cesarean section). So I've been terrified that this baby would be same and I wouldn't go into labor by the time the doctor wants me to.

But I have to hold onto the promises that God has given me, even though right now I feel weak and faithless. Then I remembered a worship leader singing this song by replacing "Standing" with "Leaning" so it ended up being "Leaning on the promises of God." I started thinking about the difference between standing and leaning. Standing implies some kind of self strength, that you are able to stand on top of something. But leaning is something quite different. Leaning implies self weakness and dependance on the thing you are leaning on for strength. So right now I'm not standing, I'm leaning on God's promises... I'm too weak to stand. But maybe that's right where God wants me.

The Waiting Game...

So I am officially playing the waiting game. The doctor has said the baby would be born healthy now (meaning he is probably 37 weeks...) and I am not-so-patiently waiting to go into labor. I have played this game twice before, and both girls were totally overdue. But if baby T decides he is going to be overdue, I am going to be out of luck and end up with a cesarean, which I am seriously trying to avoid. My last cesarean was like getting hit by a truck. I haven't been hit by a truck (thank God!) but that is how I imagined it would feel... and with our furlough coming up, I do not want to be dealing with recovering from a serious abdominal surgery. I healed so much more quickly after Kati's birth because I had her naturally.

But I can't control this. As much as I want to be in control of this (or any major thing in my life) I have to accept that I'm totally out of control. But the bright side to that is that God is in control and I know He will give me what I need... although what I need doesn't always match up with what I want.

Another positive thing is that my blood pressure has actually been in the NORMAL range. This is the first time in one of my pregnancies where my blood pressure is not slowly creeping up to the out of control range. Travis went and stood in line with a bunch of older people to get a really good deal on a blood pressure monitor that was on sale. It is pretty awesome.

I also had the pleasure of a surprise baby shower, and that was a first time for me! My baby showers with Ksena were not a surprise, although they were fun. And I know my Greek friends put it together just to bless me because here they normally wait until after the baby is born, and then bring you a gift when they come to visit.

So I'm just hanging around, wondering when I'll go into labor, trying to live as normally as possible as I waddle through the metro stations or through the grocery store. Lots of praying, lots of baby laundry (so cute!) and trying to convince the girls that they will absolutely have to stop screaming at each other because they will wake up the baby all the time if they don't (sister relationships are difficult for me to understand since I don't have a sister myself, although I am thankful for my sister-in-law).

I will post pictures of how our room has transformed into three quarters bedroom, one quarter nursery once we finish putting everything up :)

God bless!!