The other day while I was at the hospital waiting to take a stress test to make sure baby T is doing alright, I started to have a panic attack. I haven't been in a hospital this whole pregnancy, but my last pregnancy with Kati, all of my appointments were in a hospital, and towards the end I would always end up in the labor area getting tested to make sure I wasn't leaking protein (due to high blood pressure). It was a seriously stressful process... and as I sat there waiting for my turn to be hooked up to the monitors, I started to get freaked out.
|image via weheartit|
Then I started to spiral down the path of, "what if?" which is never a good path to walk down, let alone spiral down. I started thinking about how I could end up having another cesarean section, how the spinal anesthetic would make me sick, how I would have to recover from yet another surgery... I was going to the bad place. Then God brought this song into my head:
Standing on the promises of God my Savior;
I'm standing on the promises of God.
God was reminding me that about a month ago, He made me a promise. I'm not a "name it and claim it" kind of Christian (meaning I don't believe saying something will make it happen if God never said it was going to happen), but I do believe that if God tells us something, we should believe Him. During my devotional times, the day after the doctor talked to us about breaking my water at 38 weeks... I was praying about this whole situation... and these two verses really stuck out to me:
"Is My hand shortened at all that it cannot redeem? Or have I no power to deliver?"
"Let him trust in the name of the Lord and rely upon his God."
Then yesterday morning before my test I was reading in Jeremiah...
"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and whose hope is the Lord."
I feel like God has told me that He is the one who is going to do this, and that it isn't going to be a forced medical decision. But it's been hard... with both of my other pregnancies I was overdue and had to fight to go into labor naturally (even though Ksena ended up being a medically necessary emergency cesarean section). So I've been terrified that this baby would be same and I wouldn't go into labor by the time the doctor wants me to.
But I have to hold onto the promises that God has given me, even though right now I feel weak and faithless. Then I remembered a worship leader singing this song by replacing "Standing" with "Leaning" so it ended up being "Leaning on the promises of God." I started thinking about the difference between standing and leaning. Standing implies some kind of self strength, that you are able to stand on top of something. But leaning is something quite different. Leaning implies self weakness and dependance on the thing you are leaning on for strength. So right now I'm not standing, I'm leaning on God's promises... I'm too weak to stand. But maybe that's right where God wants me.